A Snapshot of These Approaches

in Action

In their eighth session, a husband’s numb withdrawal begins to soften. What once looked like indifference starts to reveal something much more vulnerable. After many sessions of feeling shut down and criticized, he finally shares his deeper fear—that he may never be able to meet his wife’s needs.

He moves from saying, “There’s no point in talking to you. I don’t want to fight,” to something far more honest:
“I do want to be close. I want you to give me a chance. Stop poking me and let me learn how to be there for you.”

As his vulnerability emerges, something shifts in the room. His wife’s sharp criticism begins to soften as well. Beneath her anger lies something much more tender: fear, sadness, and longing. She moves from saying, “You just don’t care. You don’t get it,” to quietly admitting, “It’s hard to say this, but I need you to hold me and reassure me. Can you?”

In moments like this, several therapeutic perspectives come together.

From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) lens, we understand that the couple has been caught in a painful pursue–withdraw cycle. The husband protects himself by shutting down, while the wife protests the disconnection through criticism and anger. As the deeper emotions beneath those protective reactions are expressed, both partners begin to see each other not as enemies but as people longing for connection.

Drawing from Transformative Couples Therapy® (TCT), I also help partners slow down and experience what is happening in the present moment through what TCT calls the channels of experience—such as emotion, bodily sensations, imagery, voice, movement, and energy. By paying attention to these channels, couples become more aware of what is happening inside them and between them in real time. This deeper awareness often allows vulnerability and compassion to emerge naturally. TCT also highlights the subtle “glimmers” of love that still exist in the relationship—small moments of warmth, care, or longing that can be amplified and built upon.

Insights from Stan Tatkin’s Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT) help the couple understand what is happening in their nervous systems. When partners feel threatened, their brains move into fight, flight, or shutdown. Learning to regulate these responses helps the husband remain present instead of withdrawing and allows the wife to soften her protest so she can express her deeper need for reassurance.

At the same time, Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps each partner understand the different “parts” of themselves that show up during conflict. The husband recognizes a protective part that withdraws when he feels inadequate, while the wife notices an anxious part that pushes for reassurance when she fears disconnection. As these parts are understood with curiosity and compassion, both partners gain more freedom in how they respond.

Finally, ideas from Relational Life Therapy (RLT) help partners strengthen their wise adult capacity—the part of them capable of honesty, accountability, and care. This allows each partner not only to express their pain but also to take responsibility for how they impact the relationship and to act in ways that protect the partnership.

As these approaches come together, the couple begins to move out of their old cycle and into a new pattern—one where vulnerability invites empathy, empathy creates safety, and safety allows love to grow again.

Over time, the relationship itself becomes a safe haven and a place of healing, rather than a place where partners repeatedly hurt one another.

Support for Your Relationship

Relationship challenges can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to navigate them alone. Whether you are facing a crisis or simply want to deepen your connection, I specialize in helping couples understand their patterns, reconnect emotionally, and build a stronger partnership.

Together, we can work toward creating a relationship that feels safer, more supportive, and more deeply connected.